Both Client and Volunteer

By Anonymous, Peer Support Volunteer and Client

I first came to Shanti as a volunteer in the Activities Department in 1997. The following January I participated in the training to become a peer volunteer, and was soon after matched with a client. The training was invigorating, hopeful and a real eye-opener for me. I saw and learned new ways of being in a relationship, of giving support in a non-judgmental and honest manner. I learned how to just "be there" for someone else without my own personal agenda interfering with real compassionate caring. In a word, I learned how to be a better friend, son, brother, person to the people around me.

Why we do what we do...

My name is Hulda Brown. I have been a client of Shanti since the early 90's. I can't tell you how may ways they have helped me.

The first, and best way I can think of is to give volunteers to help me with my daily life. I have had seven surgeries on my hands which make ordinary things more difficult to do. My volunteers help me with house cleaning, shopping, cooking, and most importantly with helping me to boost my self esteem.

Thank you so much Shanti. I don't know what I would do without you.

Addicted to Love

By Michelle Chun-LeRoy

The title here is not a reference to the late Robert Palmer’s ode to the pathological side effects of romantic attachment; rather, I am making reference to a specific outcome resulting from being a Shanti volunteer.

In my most optimistic moments, I firmly believe that if you put two complete strangers face to face, after a few minutes, a connection will be made. This, I think, despite all existential justifications for human alienation, is one of the hallmarks of being human. However, this belief is often truer in theory than in praxis.

When Shanti matched me with my client, I was at once thrilled and terrified. My client—I hate that term—I learned is the uber good citizen, she volunteers with the homeless, and was recently awarded the Woman of the Year Award for San Francisco. What was I going to offer this person? I excitedly took down her contact information. On my way home, I reviewed all of the information and scripts we covered in our volunteer training. God, could I do this correctly?

When we finally met, there was an air of mutual trepidation. I mean, there I was, a total stranger sitting at her kitchen table. Heaven knows what she was thinking. Me? I was too busy worrying about what constituted an open ended question to really notice anything else. I felt as if we were making small talk. After each visit, She’d tire easily and I left wondering if she really liked having me visit, or if she felt that I was just one more thing on her busy to-do list. This was not going well. Finally, I thought, heck, I’ll just treat her as if I would treat a friend and started asking her about her life, where she’s from, what she did as a girl. Soon, we were talking about everything, from cooking to protesting against the war. She promised me at the next anti-war rally, she’d show me how to get arrested. Way cool. We were connecting.

Then one day, my cell phone rang. It was my Shanti friend, she had to cancel our meeting for that week. I was concerned and disappointed. I really looked forward to spending time with her. Before she said goodbye, she told me that she loved me. I stammered that I loved her too. I was so shocked and absolutely elated. I had just won the lottery! This sense of connection is the reason why I am doing this. Love is a good addiction to have.

The Art of Listening

By Michele Diaz, Shanti Staff

When was the last time you actually listened to a loved one or friend? When is the last time you really felt heard?

After a weekend of a volunteer training for Shanti, a non profit organization that provides peer counseling for individuals with life threatening illnesses, my eyes (and ears) were opened; I learned the art of listening.

Everyone was asked to speak about a real life issue that they are dealing with for a full, uninterrupted, 3 minutes. I found it rather surprising to learn that many of our deepest feelings are never conveyed, even when speaking to our closest friends, because we often interrupt (or are interrupted by them) before ever exploring these feelings.

I realized this fully when I was asked to speak. Three minutes is a long time for one person to speak about a life issue. I was able to access thoughts and feelings that a regular conversation doesn’t allow. No one means any harm by interrupting; it’s natural to become interested and inquisitive. But by doing so the focus changes from the person who needs to be heard to the person who is trying to listen.

After my 3 minutes, I was able to appreciate the opportunity and ready to extend it to others. When I listened to the other speakers I gave my full attention, kept my inquiries to myself, and allowed them to be heard. I had always felt that I was a good listener and gave great advice, but I quickly learned that the best listeners are those who actually just listen.

The next time someone is speaking to you or expressing their feelings, just listen. Really engage in the conversation by focusing on the actual emotions that the person is going through and keep your questions, musings, and advice to yourself. Focus on their concerns; give them this time.

Here are some important tips to become a great listener:

• Make eye contact with the person you are listening to so they know you are engaged in the conversation
• Avoid asking questions that are related to the narrative of the story (we tend to ask those questions for our own interests)
• Instead, ask questions that allow the person to explore their feelings regarding the situation, i.e. “How does that make you feel?”
• Refrain from asking questions that begin with “do” or “are” as they tend to only reciprocate yes or no answers
• Don’t interrupt the person you are listening to unless they pause
• Don’t be judgmental or include your own personal beliefs

Give it a shot! And try it out from the other side too… call a friend and ask them to listen. Once you feel heard, you can’t help wanting to hear too.

(Originally published in GlamSpirit)

Photographs

A composite image of Shanti clients and volunteers.