When was the last time you actually listened to a loved one or friend? When is the last time you really felt heard?
After a weekend of a volunteer training for Shanti, a non profit organization that provides peer counseling for individuals with life threatening illnesses, my eyes (and ears) were opened; I learned the art of listening.
Everyone was asked to speak about a real life issue that they are dealing with for a full, uninterrupted, 3 minutes. I found it rather surprising to learn that many of our deepest feelings are never conveyed, even when speaking to our closest friends, because we often interrupt (or are interrupted by them) before ever exploring these feelings.
I realized this fully when I was asked to speak. Three minutes is a long time for one person to speak about a life issue. I was able to access thoughts and feelings that a regular conversation doesn’t allow. No one means any harm by interrupting; it’s natural to become interested and inquisitive. But by doing so the focus changes from the person who needs to be heard to the person who is trying to listen.
After my 3 minutes, I was able to appreciate the opportunity and ready to extend it to others. When I listened to the other speakers I gave my full attention, kept my inquiries to myself, and allowed them to be heard. I had always felt that I was a good listener and gave great advice, but I quickly learned that the best listeners are those who actually just listen.
The next time someone is speaking to you or expressing their feelings, just listen. Really engage in the conversation by focusing on the actual emotions that the person is going through and keep your questions, musings, and advice to yourself. Focus on their concerns; give them this time.
Here are some important tips to become a great listener:
- Make eye contact with the person you are listening to so they know you are engaged in the conversation
- Avoid asking questions that are related to the narrative of the story (we tend to ask those questions for our own interests)
- Instead, ask questions that allow the person to explore their feelings regarding the situation, i.e. “How does that make you feel?”
- Refrain from asking questions that begin with “do” or “are” as they tend to only reciprocate yes or no answers
- Don’t interrupt the person you are listening to unless they pause
- Don’t be judgmental or include your own personal beliefs
Give it a shot! And try it out from the other side too… call a friend and ask them to listen. Once you feel heard, you can’t help wanting to hear too.
(Originally published in GlamSpirit)
